How To Deal With A Workaholic Partner Or Spouse

How To Deal With A Workaholic Partner Or Spouse I cant tell if its a compliment or not to be called a workaholic. Once upon a time, working hard welches seen as the key to a successful and happy life, and the only way to achieve the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow was to claw your way there through determined effort (with a dose of luck).But somewhere along that yellow brick road (or ladder) something changed. I blame the Blackberry. Years before the iPhone, it was the first smartphone of its kind. And possessing one meant a new kind of cool. Being connected and ultra responsive meant that you had already arrived. You were important enough to be someone people wanted to talk to now. If you can work at any time and be reachable anywhere, how do you protect the boundaries between the office and home without sacrificing career growth?Weve all reached an easy or uneasy peace with this, but what if your definition of working hard is different than that of your domestic or profess ional partner? You think the day begins at 7 a.m. and ends 12 hours later, while he clocks in 9 to 5 and thinks youre crazy because you dont. Or he sleeps with the phone closer to him in bed than you are, checking it right before slumber and right after rising, while yours is locked away because you consider the bedroom a non-tech zone? I doubt were going to reach agreement on how to define a workaholic. And, as with most meaningful and difficult topics, were in the land of subjectivity. After all, one womans workaholic is anothers driven success story. But if you do find yourself living or working with someone whose definition of working hard is way different than yours, some serious negotiation is in order. Follow unterstellung 7 steps to achieve greater balance and cooperation between two very different working styles1. Is it a pattern or a one-off?Is there a looming deadline? A financial crisis? An upcoming presentation? Sometimes we all have to sacrifice the normal for the exce ptional circumstance, even when those around us pay a price. Dispassionately assessing the frequency of the all nighters can prevent harsh words and worse blow ups. If its happening routinely and regularly, then address it if not, try and let it go. Dont make an incident a pattern if you dont need to.2. Examine work patterns.Does your partner go to more meetings than you think she or he needs to? Do they have to read every document and make every decision? Sometimes what youre dealing with isnt a workaholic its a control freak. If thats the case, pitch your partner on how you want to help them free up more time for high-level, strategic meaningful work rather than the operational details they get sucked into.3. Establish a fixed routine.If its your romantic partner who seems missing in action, then you might benefit from a newly negotiated contract for time spent. Perhaps the bedroom becomes that tech-free zone you want, or one of you gets up 30 minutes earlier for a cup of morning Joe before the great commute. Agree that two nights a week are sacred and cancelable only in times of national emergency. You can do the same thing with a geschftliches miteinander partner. Agree, for example, that every Monday from 9 to 10 a.m. is for the both of you to plan the week out, or Friday from 3 to 4 p.m. to review, recap, and forecast the week ahead.4. Have a plan then reevaluate it.Decide as partners whats non-negotiable, negotiable, and not as important. Tie it to certain events and routines date night? Sacred. Division of household chores? Negotiable. Vacation or meeting planning? You would rather make all the decisions anyway. And then talk about it six months in. Whats working? What isnt? Is anyone feeling resentful or taken advantage of?5. Its not you. It really is them.This isnt a rejection of you. Its just that there are people who are defined by their work. It gives them self-renewal, a sense of conquest, or the feeling of making a difference. Its a source of deep emotional satisfaction and intellectual stimulation that nothing else can provide. Loving ones work doesnt mean you, as the partner, arent essential above all. But it does mean your partnership is on the short list of really, really important things, and personalizing it will only lead to friction and arguments that no one wins.6. Focus on yourself.No matter how much you accommodate the other, how often and calmly you state your wishes, or how much you try to adapt, you cant always change someone. If their behavior is really self-destructive, you just have to hope that they see it, too. Think about what you need for yourself and expand that sense of self-reliance and competency by expanding a skill set, making decisions independently, and pursuing what youre interested in while always communicating to them, without rancor, what youre up to.7. Focus on the partnership.As long as you approach it from that perspective without rancor your workaholic other will be much more open to a reasoned and business-like conversation, whether they share your office or your bed.--Nancy Halpern is an executive coach with a proven track record in helping senior leaders and their teams reach their full potential. Shes been quoted in The Financial Times, The New York Times and other publications as well as appearing on both NPR and the PBS NewsHour.Fairygodboss is committed to improving the workplace and lives of women.Join us by reviewing your employer